Lately I’ve had thoughts I never thought I would think. These thoughts are more reactions (and blows)
to my careful vision of the family I wanted; the family I tried to create. In my head I always saw a Mom and a Dad and a
boy and a girl. I saw beautiful dimple
cheeked cherubs with sparkling personalities and wonderful traits. My traits, his traits, our traits. My vision
was clear, a loving couple raising amazing kids. A family that worked together
played together but most importantly loved each other; and for two whole
decades my vision was real. The times were challenging but fun and at night, we
always took the time to glance into their bedrooms to marvel at those beautiful
creatures we called our own; our kids.
Recently I took a personality inventory test that revealed
that my energy level bordered hyper. That
at times I’m too enthusiastic and that my leadership style may make others
uncomfortable. The next step down from hyper was energetic. Where am I going with this? Let me explain. When I realized that others might perceive me
as too enthusiastic and hyper, I realized that my perception of the world might
be off track with regards to the people who share relationships with me too. If I make strangers uncomfortable, then what
do I do to you my family? Me, eternally optimistic me?
Right now at this place
in time, I cannot stop the thoughts that surge in my head. They are worrisome
and troubling and I am battling them like a Spartan at war. The thoughts = the feelings that are so
foreign to me that I feel like I’m trapped in a b-rated horror film from 50's.
The words that come to mind are: disappointed, sickened, worried, disgusted,
resigned, hopeless, helpless, embarrassed, directionless, horrified, meaningless,
lost and alone.
I am grieving her.
I am deeply sad about saying goodbye to my
vision but amazingly, however, I am not depressed. I am not despondent and I am not deterred from
dreaming new dreams or charting a new course.
The daughter I thought was the angel sent from heaven the day she was
born, our gorgeous toddler with golden skin, eyes and hair. This girl who
showed signs of beautiful sensitivity and amazing creativity was our little
girl, we were so proud of her and who she was. She was the kind of girl
that was so eager to please everyone and defended the underdog on the school playground.
But something changed when she turned 14.
But something changed when she turned 14.
Our teenaged girl became dark and
moody and began to lie to us. And when
she broke the law and incurred 5 infractions and 500 dollars in fines, I
emptied her bank account to hold her accountable to pay for them. Suddenly the girl that had only one BFF her
whole life began to cycle through friends.
There was Laney, then Paige, then Lacey, then Ashley, then Amber and
Alisha. Her grades plummeted and she
flunked her first year in high school, even though she was voted onto the
homecoming court. It just didn’t seem to
matter what anyone thought of her, including her peers.
In a desperate attempt to re-route and re-up
high school, we decided to hold her back and enroll her into a tiny private
school. Her grades went up, but she
began to isolate herself and the dark mood lingered. In her junior year, she made a plan to
make up her missed credits and rejoin her classmates at her original high
school. We were so optimistic. We (the
counselor, coaches, teachers and us) devised all kinds of plans for her to join
clubs and teams, and she simply rejected it all.
The downward slide simply
continued through 15, 16 and 17.
Her
grades were great but her attitude, her choices and her new set of friends were
bad influences. Now each and every time we
encounter each other she smells like an old ashtray. She only calls me when she
needs something so I stopped taking her calls.
She even went so far as to cuss me out when I wouldn’t give her money
stating that, “You still owe me money from my birthday.” To which I replied, “I
didn’t owe you anything on your birthday, I gave you your birthday!” Last
summer she ran away and we didn’t see her for a month. She returned to school this fall to knock it
out of the park. Her grades are stellar,
but again she decided to hang with the same set of kids and again ran
away. This time it was much worse
however, because she made a long emotionless statement. She said, “I have decided to leave this
family.” I don’t want this family
anymore and I hate everything you stand for.
I hate everything you say and everything you do. Your life is not the life I want. Your standards are not the standards I want. I will choose my family and it won’t be you.”
"I feel like a hostage."
What do you say to that? We are now numb. We are beyond worried and stressed and now grieving
the daughter we used to have and seriously wonder what the future holds for
her. Some of the hardest parts of my day
involve conversations I have with family and friends. They don't know about our struggles. Many of them with kids the same age talking
about sports events, senior pictures, senior activities and plans for college.
I smile and nod and always say, “Wow, that’s great!” and “You must be so proud
of her!” Never letting on to my deep grief.
Inside I have gravel in my gut. I never dreamed our beautiful little
girl would disappear to be replaced with a girl that looks just like her but doesn’t
act like her. The insults have cut deep
and the damage is done. I never dreamed
it would turn out like this. I heard it
through the grapevine that she was getting a job at a gas station. I can still see the images in my minds eye of a little girl full of smiles and giggles and mischief...but now its time to
forge a new dream and a new vision for my family.
The end.
Lisa Ekanger Your Hometown Realtor!
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