Saturday, December 20, 2014

Dear Sugar, It's time to say goodbye...

Dear Sugar, First of all, I love you. You’ve been there for me during some of the hardest times of my life. You were there for me when I decided to come off of self pity and live a happier life. You helped me feel okay in the middle of my dark night of the Soul. You were there for me when I tore my rotator cuff in Jr. High School and I would never be able to play my favorite game of Baseball ever again. You were there for me every Halloween as I celebrated finding you at the houses of all the kind strangers. You were there for me growing up as I watched TV with my family. We all shared in your yumminess together. We even learned to connect around tables of your sweetness because you made us feel better. It took me a long time to realize how much I loved you. I could be a real jerk when you weren’t around. All I could think about was having more and more of you. The more of you I had, the more of you I wanted. And it started to turn from a relationship, into a craving and from a craving into an addiction. You were jealous because you didn’t want me seeing anyone else. You hated it when I would hang out with cucumbers, or kale or lean meats. You objected when I wanted to give you up every January 1st. You told me that next time it would be different. You kept promising that you were good for me. And I believed you when you told me that I deserved you after a hard day’s work. Even though you were there for me during the dark times, you never wanted me to be the real, authentic healthy me. We could only be good together when I put you first and myself second. I know that you helped me during some of my saddest days and for that I will forever be grateful. But after taking some space to myself and getting clear on my needs for the first time in my life, I’ve realized that it’s time for us to break up. Look – it’s not you – it’s me. And I know you know I would say that. And it’s such a cliché thing to say. But the truth is, I am sick of feeling like I need you. I’m sick of always being tired in the afternoon and then craving you at night. And honestly I’m sick of my waistline and how you like to expand it. When we first got together, you told me that fat would make me fat, but I realized that was just your manipulation to keep me around. And I fell for it. I thought for the longest time that life would cease to exist without you. I made you my Higher Power and you told me that if I obeyed your cravings that everything would be okay. But that only lead down a darker and darker path. The more I abandoned myself to make you happy; the worse my life got. It wasn’t until I hit a rock bottom and saw the truth of what you really are that I decided to do something about it. You are not a friend to me. The truth is, your promise of being my best friend is a lie. Best friends don’t hijack my brain, so it’s almost impossible to make up my own mind about what I want to eat. Best friends don’t cause me to get sick, tired and deplete my body of its important life force. Best friends don’t complain when it’s time to move on and make it almost impossible to live without them. Best friends want me to be healthy, alive, full of life and able to make my own decisions. That’s why it’s come to this letter. I’m saying goodbye. And, yes, I had to write this letter to you because I couldn’t do it in person. Just being around you makes me want to come back for more. You might feel like you deserve to have this conversation with me in person, given our over three decade relationship and – under normal circumstances, you would be right. But – I’m not strong enough, so I’m sending you this letter instead. Maybe one day when I’m a little stronger, a littler wiser and have found someone new to fall in love with, then I can meet you face to face. Sugar, I still do love you, but I love myself more. And so I’m choosing me. Know that you will always have a special place in my heart and that I will think of your often (probably more often than I would like, because you really are that yummy). I wish you nothing but the best in this life, and I hope you wish the same for me. I’m sending you all my love from a distance… Your pal, Lisa Ekanger

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