From TDL
Question:
My 19th wedding anniversary just passed and my husband let the day pass with no acknowledgement of it, no card or note, not a single flower, we didn’t even eat dinner due to his friends being over drinking beer because they helped him move a shed that he was supposed to move over a week ago and took them two minutes to do. I feel very sad and hurt that my husband did not deem the day special enough to spend quality time with me. I am the go-getter and usually if I don’t do it or initiate it, nothing gets done. I know better than to expect him to do special things for me but the truth is I truly crave his thoughtfulness even when I know it isn’t who he is. He is a good man don’t get me wrong but I have tried many many times to communicate how this hurts me and yet it continues.
I can’t change him, only myself- what is the lesson I’m supposed to learn and how do I heal my broken heart? Is it me, am I being a drama queen or am I justified in feeling let down? I’m tired of repeating this pattern and I know I’m choosing this fight but what can I do to change the way I feel? Even though he is good to me and our family, when he doesn’t make occasions special, it makes me feel all the time in between is a lie.
I welcome any feedback even if it is against me. Just trying to understand and heal.
Answer:
Firstly, Congratulations on 19 years of marriage!! I understand and feel your hurt. I've had similar experiences too, feelings of not being valued. The hard truth is, no one can make us feel undervalued unless we believe it ourselves. This is discussed frequently on this website and in this forum and there is a lot of great advice to be found here but I can give you my perspective! You have to love and honor yourself first! When your heart is full with self-love you won't need anyone to do, say or be anything other than what they are. For me, reading Byron Katie's book "Loving What Is" and doing what she calls "the work" on my relationships was really life-changing. When we discover that it is only our thoughts about someone or something that causes us pain we can steadily bring the truth to light. Essentially it says to examine your thoughts about the person who upsets you and why. Ask yourself are your judgements about them really true? How do you treat the person when you think these thoughts? And then "turn it around". Apply the same judgements to yourself. "My husband should" (insert judgement here) then becomes "I should (insert same judgement here)". It is really powerful and will reveal the truth EVERY TIME. BE the change you want from the other! I also recently read that "the people in our lives only play the role we asked them to play." I truly believe this. Your husband is playing exactly the role he (and you!) agreed to be in your life. And giving you the opportunity to show up for yourself. Because the truth is YOU ARE ALL YOU WILL EVER NEED! The heavens open up when this happens! You will shower your husband with every ounce of gratitude in your heart! Blessings to you and I hope this helps!
Lisa Ekanger Your Hometown Realtor!
Question:
My 19th wedding anniversary just passed and my husband let the day pass with no acknowledgement of it, no card or note, not a single flower, we didn’t even eat dinner due to his friends being over drinking beer because they helped him move a shed that he was supposed to move over a week ago and took them two minutes to do. I feel very sad and hurt that my husband did not deem the day special enough to spend quality time with me. I am the go-getter and usually if I don’t do it or initiate it, nothing gets done. I know better than to expect him to do special things for me but the truth is I truly crave his thoughtfulness even when I know it isn’t who he is. He is a good man don’t get me wrong but I have tried many many times to communicate how this hurts me and yet it continues.
I can’t change him, only myself- what is the lesson I’m supposed to learn and how do I heal my broken heart? Is it me, am I being a drama queen or am I justified in feeling let down? I’m tired of repeating this pattern and I know I’m choosing this fight but what can I do to change the way I feel? Even though he is good to me and our family, when he doesn’t make occasions special, it makes me feel all the time in between is a lie.
I welcome any feedback even if it is against me. Just trying to understand and heal.
Answer:
Firstly, Congratulations on 19 years of marriage!! I understand and feel your hurt. I've had similar experiences too, feelings of not being valued. The hard truth is, no one can make us feel undervalued unless we believe it ourselves. This is discussed frequently on this website and in this forum and there is a lot of great advice to be found here but I can give you my perspective! You have to love and honor yourself first! When your heart is full with self-love you won't need anyone to do, say or be anything other than what they are. For me, reading Byron Katie's book "Loving What Is" and doing what she calls "the work" on my relationships was really life-changing. When we discover that it is only our thoughts about someone or something that causes us pain we can steadily bring the truth to light. Essentially it says to examine your thoughts about the person who upsets you and why. Ask yourself are your judgements about them really true? How do you treat the person when you think these thoughts? And then "turn it around". Apply the same judgements to yourself. "My husband should" (insert judgement here) then becomes "I should (insert same judgement here)". It is really powerful and will reveal the truth EVERY TIME. BE the change you want from the other! I also recently read that "the people in our lives only play the role we asked them to play." I truly believe this. Your husband is playing exactly the role he (and you!) agreed to be in your life. And giving you the opportunity to show up for yourself. Because the truth is YOU ARE ALL YOU WILL EVER NEED! The heavens open up when this happens! You will shower your husband with every ounce of gratitude in your heart! Blessings to you and I hope this helps!
Lisa Ekanger Your Hometown Realtor!
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