Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Sometimes the Journey isnt Always Kind.

There is anger in my soul that is building. The anger is toward my alcoholic sister. Her disease is so offensive (and it is so all consuming) that I am not sure I have ever known the real person she is. Never mind the 3 C’s that Ala-non teaches. What about the 4 D’s? Is it her disease that makes her~ Deviant, Dishonest and Disrespectful? Or was she all of those things (and due to the pushback from society) she turned to alcohol to cope with the 4th D and that’s her own Disappointment in herself? For more than 20 years, my relationship with her has consisted of mostly that she calls me when she either A) needs something B) she’s in trouble or C) she wants to complain about her life or other family members. I read so many things about alcoholism and the one resounding thought that keeps swirling around my head is what about us? What about the people she abuses, relationships she damages and the spirits she crushes with her thoughtless words, actions and decision making process? How long are we supposed to take this abuse? How long are we expected to care? 20 years ago she called in the middle of the winter (and the middle of the night) to tell me that my Moms car was stolen. A few years later I received a call (in the wee hours of the morning, when I was 9 months pregnant) from my devastated parents telling me that she was in a drunk driving motorcycle accident. That was her first boyfriend…the one who drove drunk with her on the back of the bike with no helmut. Next up her first husband who later we found out was a con-artist…the one who always got robbed (always right before rent was due)…the one who hid the fact that he had a child from another relationship and was 40k in arrears in child support. We also think he may have been responsible for her near death ‘accident’ that happened right after she returned home from a vacation with my Mom. She made so many terrible choices, and she wasn't always drunk when she made them. There was that time they wore pantyhose on their heads while smashing in the windows of a first floor apartment where they had lived because the owner wouldn’t return their deposit money. They had such awful fights that 911 was called more than once…her weapon? A frying pan up against the side of the head. It worked with the first boyfriend, but her husband convinced the EMT that he was the victim and so she was hauled off for a 3 day weekend in the county jail. The crazy incidents are too many to mention. The rotten, unethical, unapologetically rude attitude and behavior she displays have destroyed all feelings I have for her. At one time, 15 years ago, when I used to pity her for having this disease, I believed she had some good redeeming traits. Now, after what she’s put all of us through (last month she said to my Dad, can’t wait to see you in your casket!) I feel nothing but complete contempt for her. I don’t love her and I have written her off. The worst part is, she has 2 little kids that are adorable, but in my eyes already a lost cause due to the 7 years they have been exposed to this horrible dysfunction. Again, what about the victims of the alcoholic? AA, Instead of telling me about all of the things I can do to help…how about tell me about all of the ways I can make a clean and complete break from this person who has spent 2 decades torturing everyone around her?

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