Monday, March 31, 2014

I’m running and I won’t touch ground!

Today I awoke to a new reality. Today I realized I am a free person. There was something different about today than any other day for the last 24 years. Approximately 24 years ago (in a few weeks from now) I conceived my first child. My free-spirited and fun-loving ways of my youth disappeared quickly as I learned of my pregnancy. I took immaculate care of myself during the 9 months that followed. I was obsessed with eating right, exercising and reading as many books as I could to prepare myself for motherhood. Looking back, I’m glad I cared so much, but now I know that no books will ever prepare you for motherhood. In fact, nothing except being a mother can prepare you for this job and journey. My life is transitioning fast. The last 25 years passed like an eclipse of the moon passing the sun. Levi is now engaged to be married in October and our second child, Sigourney graduated ahead of her class. She will be 18 this summer and is showing all the signs (just like Levi) that she wants immediate and complete independence from us. Our youngest child is now almost 15 and I have employed a legion of professionals to pick up the slack where I find myself tired and burned out. In fact, C.C. was the hardest child to raise so far….and I shouldn’t be surprised. I had so much confidence as a Mom (at one point when we decided to adopt her) that I thought I could take on one of the most severe cases of neglect and turn her life around. Working to raise C.C. has at times, nearly cost my health and my marriage too. As we round the bend of this chapter of our lives, I’m really glad we finally realized when to hold em and when to fold em! C.C. goes to a very strict charter school, has a daily para-pro helping her stay on track, and has weekly tutoring, weekly respite care, weekly religious training and a special senior citizen friend/sponsor who helps with the work load of managing a developmentally delayed child. H. has been responsible for taking C.C. to school for the last two years and I love it. The only ones who need me now are my two dogs! This new freedom is reminding me that I am still young and have a lot to give and the 25 year hiatus from dreaming (selfishly) can quickly be re-dreamed, re-engineered and re-built. This time, I have the gift of wisdom that guides me to stress less and wonder more, to resist doing too much and for false reasons, to linger in the moments that really count instead of always looking ahead to what’s next. What’s next? It’s me waking up each day with the same exact consistent optimism believing that everything that happens to me, happens in my best interest. What an amazing way to exist in the world. I expect this new chapter to be just as exciting (and challenging) as the last because I will not ever allow myself to be stalled or not allow myself to continually improve as a person. Right this very minute I hear nothing but the sound of the furnace blowing heat from the vent. Ahh…complete peace and quiet. So beautiful and so welcomed! Here I am, alone with my thoughts and dreams…alone with my challenges and procrastinations! Recalling my favorite song of youth by Matthew Wilder: Ain't nothin gonna break my stride, nobody’s gonna slow me down…oh no! I’ve got to keep on movin! Ain’t nothin gonna break my stride, I’m running and I won’t touch ground, oh no! I’ve got to keep on movin! Lisa Ekanger!

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